From Ectasy to Despair

Why has she posted a pic of herself at the Gossies you ask? Well this was the weekend I found out I was having my second miscarriage.
I need to give some of you that don't know me a bit of background so you will understand my story.
I've decided to share my personal story as it's a coping mechanism for me. Sharing my story with the world is a bit daunting but here goes!
I have a beautiful boy, Ronan, from a previous relationship who is now 8 years old. I was a single mum for the first four years of his life and then met my now husband Richard. Richard has always treated Ronan as his own but for me I would love to have a brother or sister for Ronan. As I'm no spring chicken, ahem turning 40 next year, I knew there might be hurdles to get over but didn't realise the impact it would have on me as a person.
I'm writing this post to help even just one couple as I learned it's not just me suffering but my husband too. It's going to be a no holds barred post and might be a bit graphic for some so reader beware! I went in search of online help when making my decision to have medication management other to have a D and C and couldn't find any honest upfront posts. There were some from  years ago but things have moved on with procedures now so this is My Personal Story.
As I sit here the tears are welling up in my eyes but this helps me so much it will all be worth while. I had my first miscarriage last October just after my Florida trip. I wasn't too far gone so didn't need any medical help. I struggled with it for a while but I'm a great believer in everything happens for a reason so dealt with it the best I could. I've been through worse in my life and I'm a strong person so got through it.
I found out I was pregnant around Christmas time and was shocked at how quick it had happened so we were delighted. We only told our parents so everything was going fine until my morning sickness stopped suddenly and I started bleeding. I was around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant so I went to the maternity to check things were alright. They took blood tests and sent me on my merry way. I was in Dublin at the Gossies the Saturday night as life does go on and I was feeling alright. I got glammed up and put on a brave face and enjoyed my night.
I had an appointment for a scan on the Monday and went along thinking that all was going to be ok. I arrived into admissions in Limerick Maternity and told them I had been bleeding and how far gone I was. I was sent down for a scan which in turn would  be the worst day of my life. I was shaking on the table as the midwife proceeded to scan my belly. Her words will never leave me "No heart beat  and can't see anything in the sac". She was extremely professional but quite blunt but I suppose they are so many women in my position every day in there to them it's probably normal to say.
Long story short I had to come back for another scan a week later just to be sure. It was the longest week of my life.
The next scan was the hardest as you are in the waiting room with people who have their scan in their hands delighted with their news, heavily pregnant women and then women like me with Lily pictures on their scan for obvious reasons. I scanned the room and 5 out of 12 of us had Lillies on our folders as they passed them to the receptionist. I knew I wasn't alone which kind of settled me a bit. The scan was the same and the sac was collapsing so a decision had to be made what I wanted to do. The doctor had explained both options in detail but swayed me to the medication management (Cytotec) for reasons I don't know. I felt it was rushed and before I knew it I left with my prescription in hand and with the words from the doctor that I would have one "gush of blood" and it will be all over. Little did  I know that it was going to be a lot worse!
I stayed at my parents house as Richard was away in Glasgow working in the studio. Thanks be to Jesus I did as what was to follow was the worst 8 hours of my life. Now this is where T.M.I will apply. I took the first lot of tablets and everything was fine a few cramps,then I took the next set and then the flood gates opened. I started to cramp really badly. I had maternity pads on yes maternity pads as the blood was flowing none stop. Every 15 minutes I would need to get up and rush to the toilet. Diarrhoea is a side effect of the tablets, what they don't tell you is that it's lasts for at least a week and it's black! Vomiting over the bath, blood flowing like I've switched on a tap and black diarrhea let's just say my poor parents bathroom was like a CSI crime scene. I was exhausted and extremely emotional. At one stage we rang the maternity as the blood loss was high and we sort of panicked. To be told "Oh yeah that's normal"..Normal are you kidding me...I kept telling myself that it's happened for a reason and you will get through it. Looking back would I use the tablets again definitely not, would I have the D and C I'm not sure as the negatives the doctor was telling me sounded a lot worse. I know ladies have it done every day but it's an operation under general anesthetic and really doesn't appeal to me, others will disagree.
The side effects of the tablets stayed with me for at least 7 days after. Unfortunately for me I had to go back in on Monday just gone for my last scan to make sure the tablets worked. It's a hard thing to do to just sit there in the maternity and know you have no good news to share with people. I met some customers from the pharmacy I work in and big smiles saying "Any news?". I was trying to be polite but I suppose the expression on my face told them the answer. We take for granted if you are in the maternity you are there 1. Visiting or 2. Pregnant but people need to take time to think that's not the case. One in five pregnancies unfortunately lead to miscarriage so be mindful of this would be my advice.

Talking about my Miscarriage has helped me hugely. Ronan knew something was up and made me the above card. Kids are so clued in we don't give them enough credit. My husband Richard has been my rock and for him seeing me the way I am is hard to deal with. He is trying to be strong for me but we are both crumbling inside. I'm currently at 60% and time will heal the rest. My advice is talk,talk, talk as everyone will listen. I'm a strong person and have been through a lot of rough times but I always know there is someone on the end of the phone that will listen to my silence or sometimes tears.
Time is a great healer and for me the next couple of months will tell a lot. My moto as always is YOLO so get out and enjoy life. I intend on taking time out for my family and myself of course. My blogging journey is slow but what I've achieved so far is huge to me and I'm delighted with it. I have a few projects coming up and will hopefully get me back into the swing of things.
Thanks to my family, friends and my work colleagues whom I would be lost without.
Love you all
Patricia xx